Summer Dress

Summer Dress

 

Sitting across the patio

is a seedless sunflower

wearing a thin summer dress

Her nectar is so sweet that

all the bees stare, hoping

for a chance to pollinate

 

I’d fly over beside her,

and lifting her skirt,

I’d spread her petals and

force I’d exert

 

But once done, I’d

smell my fingers and

walk away, and she’d

mean nothing to me,

and I’d still feel

alone, and

sterile

 

© Volatalistic Phil 2013, Crushed Black Velvet

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3 years sober & update

Okay…so I know it’s been forever since I’ve posted a blog. I know, shame on me right? Oi. Friends, life doesn’t stop. Everything keeps moving and lately I’m feeling so low. I’m feeling so small and shit going on lately, a relationship ending, bullshit with cops…I just it’s been a journey these past few months.

I left because they valued this shit more than me and their own life

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On the 11th of May, like every Mother’s Day, I was sober again. This time friends, it’s been three years. Does it feel different? Yeah, I guess. I still miss my vices at times, but I know that it’s nonsense and is a way to die and not live. I just choose not to be that person anymore. It gets lonely, like now, I feel so alone and lonely. I have friends and what not, but sometimes I think about the substances and how they were comforting, but I know I’m just telling myself lies. It’s like when you get out of a toxic relationship (which I’ve recently just done) you make up excuses for the relationship and you glamorize it and you highlight all the good parts. The bottom line: —————->>> Clean & sober is the only way to be.

Enough of the sad shit, right?

I just bought a new motorcycle–a 2007 Honda Shadow VT1100. She’s so pretty and is sooo much fun to ride. By the grace of God I was able to pull it off and my payments are pretty low, which is great for a starving artist like myself. (I just picked up a second job as a waiter, aside from getting tips, the best part is–they feed you!)

I went shopping!

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Meet the twins!

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Road trip to see mom!

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Made it!

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Does my balaclava make me look creepy or like a ninja or both?

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I had this for lunch today!

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Oh, & i’ve got a new fucking book out if anyone’s interested!

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White Wedding Lies, and Discontent: An American Love Story on Amazon.

Phil Volatile

My Mind’s Abyss (Suicide Edition) Free on Kindle!

mmase_coverHey everyone in preparation for the sequel that’s soon to be released, and as a Thanksgiving / early Christmas gift, My Mind’s Abyss (Suicide Edition) is FREE on Amazon #Kindle from 11/22/13 until 11/26/13. You don’t need a kindle to download it–just the #Amazon Kindle app!

This is HUGE for me right now and I NEED YOUR SUPPORT! Tell you friends! Tell your mom and dad! Tell people on your Facebook, your Twitter, your Google+, Pinterest and etc!

Here’s what to do:

1.) Go to: http://www.amazon.com/Minds-Abyss-Suicide-Book-Recovery-ebook/dp/B00EY363QO/ and download a copy of it!

2.) Tell your friends!

3.) Read it!

This is an international freebie! This means that the fine people of: the United States, #Canada, #Germany, #Italy, #India, #Spain, #France, the United Kingdom, #Mexico, #Japan, #Brazil, and #Australia can go to their respective Amazon website and download a copy free of charge!

If you don’t spread the word, Godzilla might kick your ass.

Godzilla

Much <3,

-Phil Volatile

Some updates & some poems

Hello everyone, it’s been eons since I’ve written anything here. You all have Crystal of “Dreams Dissolve” to thank–she keeps writing stuff on her blog and it has somehow made me feel inadequate and now I’m posting something.

Quick updates and some poems for you beautiful people.

****UPDATES****

–I’ve been working two jobs now for a year and I don’t know how else not to hustle, but on the brighter side of things, I’m picking up another gig, so I’m thinking about growing a business, in seeing how I have a couple of contracts now.  I also went to an interview for a new job where I’ll be in a position to help people, and I’m fairly certain I have the job. I did my pee test and other stuff required and I think everything has gone well. It is a little unsettling because I’ve been used to getting shit on for so long that now that things are going my way, I don’t know what to expect or how to react–but I’m still hopeful.

–My Mind’s Abyss is back out and is called My Mind’s Abyss: Suicide Edition and it includes just a hair more than the original book did, but also includes photographs! Please get a copy, be it an e-book copy or a paperback, please, it would really help to recoup some of the costs of the promotions I’ve been running and all the copies I’ve been sending out, trying to get the buzz going. If you have a book blog and you review books, I’d be honored if you’d care to review my book and or do an interview, up to you though, I won’t beg and even running a promotion for the book has made me feel bad, like I’m “trying too hard” or something.

–Sequel to My Mind’s Abyss is finished and I’m putting the final editing touches on it. It is called My Mind’s Abyss: Aftermath and it deals with the world of post-addiction; the zombie feeling, feelings of hopelessness, the anger at yourself and the world, what a life without substance abuse looks like, entering into relationships, all mixed with fresh new stories and your fill of love, comedy, and pain! The new book has been written to pick up where book #1 left off, but has been written in such a way that it’s not necessary to read the first one (in case you’re not a fan of my Kamikazi, almost bop-prosody, stream of consciousness, experimental fiction writing. The new book is set in a different tone and is much less chaotic and I feel that it flows “better” and is “prettier” writing). Book #2 weighs 115,000  words (twice the size of book #1) and is 440 pages in print. I’m thinking about releasing it in December–will keep you posted.

–Almost finished with another novel The Transient that deals with my homeless experience and it’s set in Albuquerque, NM (yeah, where Breaking Bad was). No release date conceivable yet. I’ve finished up with a second unreleased poetry book White Wedding Lies, and Discontent: An American Love Story and it has a very special foreword from Raegan Butcher! No release date yet, but am hoping for March, but I first have to release Jet Lag, which I’m hoping to release in November.

Thank you for bearing with me through all the updates, and now some poems. Much Love ❤ -Phil

****POEMS****

Doctor Office

Time for a physical;
new job requires it
I wait in a pasty white
room while a fluorescent
light above me hums
like a nest full of
pissed off hornets

Nothing to do but
stare blankly at
the walls and put
on the parachute
shorts a nurse
gave me

Doctor enters & listens
to my breathing—
that’s the extent
of my physical

She tells me “only
eat raw vegetables
and fruit, but no
more than three
servings the size
of a tennis ball,
a day”
& says what else I
shouldn’t do or eat

By some far cry
of the imagination
I should weigh 140lbs
“according to the book”
& I wonder what the
hell else that book
has to say, about life,
about anything

Beware of the
people who can’t
tell you how to
live, but know
exactly how not
to live

 

Screaming in Space

My brother got out
of jail to serve
another sentence
with an abusive
and psychotic
girlfriend, who
started off
sweet and loving

And in January
his ankle bracelet
comes off
and he’ll be
moving back
here, back home
to the Zia

But for now,
his world
is a
lonely
black
hole—
one giant
mass of consumption,
of depression,
of hopelessness
and feelings
of uselessness,
as he screams
into space,
not
making
a sound

Two years clean and sober

In a few days (on May 12th) it’ll be 2 years ago that I sat here with a gun to my head, making a choice, and spent the next year and a half thinking I pulled the trigger. Soon, I’ll be two years clean and sober, but it’s not enough. It’s not enough to just quit abusing drugs and alcohol, but I learned that it’s a start, a strong start. I don’t know that the disease, the infection, the defect, or whatever the hell you want to call it–I don’t know that it ever goes away, because it’s there. I feel it at times, a craving will come over me, a blip on my mind’s radar of what once was, and could easily be again. But I know, from experience, there isn’t a way to maintain what was, that I’ll pick up where I left off, and it’s possible that I won’t return. I wish, very much at times, that I could just make it go away, that I could take back all of the things that have gone on as a result of my substance abuse, but I can’t take it back. On one hand, I try to look at it as a blessing and not a scarlet letter, but it’s hard not to look down on it. I feel a deep regret about my life at times, and at others, I’m happy to have ridden the roller coaster and gotten the hell off. But at what price, I sometimes wonder. When does this eventually wear off? Is there anything to help make it better? I don’t have an answer for that, friends, but I can tell you what has worked for me.

  • Keeping busy
  • Exercise and better diet
  • Trying for meaningful friendships / relationships
  • Constantly forgiving myself and others
  • Being there for someone in their time of need
  • Writing
  • Education

I doubt there will ever be a clear and concise method for much of anything, but anything positive is better than anything negative. I’m not trying to sell it to you like a Charles Ponzi scheme, just trying to let you know where I’m coming from. Because, all the bullshit aside, I am better as a substance-free person than I am as a polluted one.

I recently just exited a relationship, and I’m convinced that I did more for this person than I’ve done for anyone in my life before. I truly love this person and care deeply for her, but it wasn’t right, not yet. Things were rushed, things went bad, things just are what they are. But I was able to feel on different levels than what I had felt before, and I’m grateful for that person having come along to help me to feel again. I’m moving in the right direction–by the grace of God, and by the grace of good people. In May of 2012, I weighed 253 pounds. As of May 2013, I weigh 195 pounds. In May of 2012 I was a size 44″ waist, and as of today, May 8th, 2013, I am a size 34″ waist. I was able to go to school this semester, work two jobs, and help take care of a sick girlfriend, endure a break-up and keep going. I got two As and two Bs this semester, and a raise. But while in the storm, I didn’t know what I was capable of, and I won’t lie, it was hard and it was stressful. But, looking back on it now, I know that I can do it, and I’m better for it. Two years ago I would’ve been buried in a bottle like there was a genie at the bottom, but that was the old me, not the new me. Change happens–acknowledge that, leave out the “it takes time” bullshit (not bullshit) part of it. Change happens.

Don’t wait to live your life because if you do not live life, then life will live you. I want better for you, all of you. Living your life does not need to be a reckless endeavor. There are other ways than the hard way to learn. Understand that so long as you are a human being on this planet then you are not alone and not independent. We need each other, and if you need help, then reach out. Do not fall victim to the hype that you’re alone. You are never alone. There are good people who can and will help you. It starts with you though, and it’s a process, not a switch. If you or anyone you know is suffering from substance abuse, please help to lend a hand. They are not lost causes. I was once a lost cause, but look at me now. I keep writing books. I keep trying to help others, I’ll have four degrees by the end of summer, with my eyes set on more. There is always hope. The life you help save today, could be the one that saves yours or a loved one’s tomorrow. No one is worth saving if even one person is worth dying. We all have issues. We all are damaged, but we all are people, and I believe we are here to learn how to love. Love is. Be love and you will be have love.

When life happens, we happen. We push back. We do not give up. We will not roll over and die. We are strong. We are united. We are love. We are loved.

Much Love,

Volatalistic Phil

September Update!

Hello everyone! I’m still here, I promise! I’ve been busy, busy, lately, and I realize that it has been a while since I’ve posted some type of an update. I’m just checking in to let interested parties know that I’m still writing and still hard at work at getting more stuff out there.

I’ve written another novel, but it’s still far from complete–remember, editing is writing. I’m almost done with another new novel based off of my homeless experience I took to write the story. My poetry collection, Jet Lag, is still in the works, and I’m hoping to have about 100-125 poems in the 6 x 9 format, (it’ll be complete as soon as I’m done with all the sketches), and as as far as my poetry goes, I hope to push the boundaries and limits of what I’ve previously released, feeling like my previous work has been garbage. (I’d love to post a few of them on here, but I can’t). I also have two short stories, another one  in the works, Flash Fiction 40+1 Volume 2, a book of 300 haiku/senryu, a diary of my 13 day water fast, and a sudden prose collection of three long proems weighing in at about 12,000 words. I hope to be submitting my Novels, Flash Fiction 40+1 Volume 2 collection and two short stories to publishing houses, sometime soon. As far as the 13 day diary of my water fast, 3 proems, 300 haiku/senryu and one other short story, I’m not sure if/when I’ll have those released for self-publish.

On a side note

This college term I’m taking 5 classes and I’m working full-time, so it’s been rather busy and I think that’s just how it’s going to go. On the bright side though, by the end of summer, I’ll have four associate degrees! (That’s how long I’ve been taking classes in different areas!) But I’ll be pursuing a BA soon!

Mentally, I have been doing a lot better, far from how I had been feeling for such a long time. I’ve been getting out and exploring the world again, instead of staying inside all the time, trapped in my own world, writing. I’ve been eating better, getting back to the human thing, getting water and exercise, which is a plus because in just over two months I’ve lost 30lbs, although in part to that 13 day fast I did to help reset myself and to cleanse and detox. I’m in a happier place these days, when I leave my realm and visit yours, that is.

I’ve been smitten with this gal I’ll simply call Kaleidoscope Eyes, on account of the poem I wrote about her and her different mentions in Jet Lag and the diary of my 13 day fast. I’ve known her for about three months now, and I promise you I’m working hard for that first kiss, in all the ways that a poet can, in all the ways that I can; I’m rolling for broke. I showed up on her doorstep Sunday morning at 8 AM with breakfast. And (though it’s now officially Wednesday); this morning I got up at my usual 5:30 AM, but I didn’t have to, I did it so that I could get her a rose and breakfast. I put the rose on the windshield of her car, along with something I wrote for her. We’ve caught a few movies, we’ve caught some meals and she’s even cooked for me. (Which, if you’ve read my first novel, My Mind’s Abyss, was oddly enough, Green Chile Enchiladas). (My Mind’s Abyss is unavailable until an unspecified later date, it’s been submitted to some publishers). I made her a bracelet out of her favorite stones, and for fuck’s sake, I even won her five stuffed animals out of the movie theater claw machine! I’ve been featuring in some local places for my poetry and yeah, it’s hit or miss, but I got a chance to read Kaleidoscope Eyes to her in a room full of people.

I want to believe that my rejuvenation has come from my Self, but I’m having a hard time in doing so, and as Charles Bukowski has put it, we’re seldom as strong as what we create. But when I’m near her, something inside me smiles, something sings, and it’s something worth recognizing and something worth pursuing. It’s been going on two years since my last romantic relationship, but I think I’m waking up to the idea of being with someone, but not just anyone, I would like for it to be her, and if it doesn’t turn out that way, then I’ll still be me, I suppose. And I don’t know where things will be, as it’s one of those slow moving things, but that’s not bad. And ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ however it should turn out, I’m grateful for this experience.

Thank you for your continued love and support.

Much Love,

❤ Volatalistic Phil

White Elephant available now!

Screenshot image taken from a clip of a Seinfeld episode found on YouTube.com

Hellooo! I’ve got some exciting news, well, I think it’s exciting! White Elephant has just made its debut in eBook and physical format! In addition to this news, Flash Fiction 40+1: New Mexican Bread Aisle is now available in paperback! On top of this, I just received my first royalty payment. I finally sold enough books in 6 months to earn a royalty! Below you will be able to see the big bucks that I made!

WHITE ELEPHANT

I am pleased to announce that White Elephant is available in eBook and in paperback! There are over 120 writings. There are some short stories, poems, haiku, observations, writings, and some images. I’ve started the eBook off at $0.99 and the physical copy at the really low price of $4.39. Available @ Amazon.com : White Elephant now!

The eBook had an extensive amount of editing to make it an attractive read, and on top of that, a regular table of contents was added to supersede the menu one (because the menu one appears to have some type of a cap of around 50 on it).

(For a full description please see the ‘White Elephant’ menu tab)

Flash Fiction 40+1: New Mexican Bread Aisle

I know there have been some of you fabulous readers who have asked for a physical copy of it, and some of you have even been persistent about it, which is truly an amazing feeling, but now the wait is over! I might have been “slacking” when it came to getting this publication to paperback, in fact I produced White Elephant during that time–but I wanted to make sure that my readers had the very best experience, and I just wanted to make sure that I felt it was ready. I have decided to make the starting price at the insanely low price of $3.79!

Available @ Amazon.com : Flash Fiction 40+1: New Mexican Bread Aisle now! or here if paperback isn’t displaying on the other link.

(For a full description please see the ‘FF 40+1’ menu tab)

Royalties

 (Click to enlarge)

After having been in the “game” for about six months I have finally moved enough volume to have earned a royalty, and still I’m thankful for it, and I still have the best readers any author could have. I’m going to go find some homeless people and buy them some food. Fuck it, can’t take it with you when you’re “gone,” right?

Love,

Volatalistic Phil