3 years sober & update

Okay…so I know it’s been forever since I’ve posted a blog. I know, shame on me right? Oi. Friends, life doesn’t stop. Everything keeps moving and lately I’m feeling so low. I’m feeling so small and shit going on lately, a relationship ending, bullshit with cops…I just it’s been a journey these past few months.

I left because they valued this shit more than me and their own life

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On the 11th of May, like every Mother’s Day, I was sober again. This time friends, it’s been three years. Does it feel different? Yeah, I guess. I still miss my vices at times, but I know that it’s nonsense and is a way to die and not live. I just choose not to be that person anymore. It gets lonely, like now, I feel so alone and lonely. I have friends and what not, but sometimes I think about the substances and how they were comforting, but I know I’m just telling myself lies. It’s like when you get out of a toxic relationship (which I’ve recently just done) you make up excuses for the relationship and you glamorize it and you highlight all the good parts. The bottom line: —————->>> Clean & sober is the only way to be.

Enough of the sad shit, right?

I just bought a new motorcycle–a 2007 Honda Shadow VT1100. She’s so pretty and is sooo much fun to ride. By the grace of God I was able to pull it off and my payments are pretty low, which is great for a starving artist like myself. (I just picked up a second job as a waiter, aside from getting tips, the best part is–they feed you!)

I went shopping!

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Meet the twins!

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Road trip to see mom!

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Made it!

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Does my balaclava make me look creepy or like a ninja or both?

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I had this for lunch today!

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Oh, & i’ve got a new fucking book out if anyone’s interested!

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White Wedding Lies, and Discontent: An American Love Story on Amazon.

Phil Volatile

My Mind’s Abyss (Suicide Edition) Free on Kindle!

mmase_coverHey everyone in preparation for the sequel that’s soon to be released, and as a Thanksgiving / early Christmas gift, My Mind’s Abyss (Suicide Edition) is FREE on Amazon #Kindle from 11/22/13 until 11/26/13. You don’t need a kindle to download it–just the #Amazon Kindle app!

This is HUGE for me right now and I NEED YOUR SUPPORT! Tell you friends! Tell your mom and dad! Tell people on your Facebook, your Twitter, your Google+, Pinterest and etc!

Here’s what to do:

1.) Go to: http://www.amazon.com/Minds-Abyss-Suicide-Book-Recovery-ebook/dp/B00EY363QO/ and download a copy of it!

2.) Tell your friends!

3.) Read it!

This is an international freebie! This means that the fine people of: the United States, #Canada, #Germany, #Italy, #India, #Spain, #France, the United Kingdom, #Mexico, #Japan, #Brazil, and #Australia can go to their respective Amazon website and download a copy free of charge!

If you don’t spread the word, Godzilla might kick your ass.

Godzilla

Much <3,

-Phil Volatile

Baby, We Tried

Baby, We Tried

Against better ideas and the empirical odds,
we were scathed and drifted the naked halls
Destined for something, to find an answer,
a soft cry, a reason why, for something to try
We found each other—you and I

As quiet as the soot black gorgeous midnight skies,
and hidden deep behind the safety of the palisades
that were lined with decorative crystal vines—
Like a bloodhound, you sniffed on by,
and lit up a trail of smoke, like an S.O.S. cry

Denying the diva of a new way,
I cut across the darkened freeway
I lit flares to defy the empty skies,
deep into late hours of hazy red eyes

This cowboy went to the saloon,
singing and marching to his own tune,
already drunk and not even noon
Make way for me, make some room

A mind’s infected screams and cries—
Bone rot, organs of blight; I continued,
and drank me and my wallet dry
You continued to reach for the stars,
and you continued your carpet ride
Stole parts of me; lost you in those nights

Our ignorance was never considered
a given, nor a try for admittance,
and we didn’t, we didn’t, we didn’t
Instead, it was through our reluctance
that we discovered our bleeding wounds

We couldn’t be found in consonants,
because we were laying in vowels,
but mostly just ‘u’ and ‘i’
and we both know, love,
we know the reasons ‘y’
But at least we can reflect
on what was, and say we tried

 

heart

© 2012 Volatalistic Phil, Jet Lag

The Drug of You

The Drug of You

If poetry had a taste,
it’d taste like you;
sweet and sour,
but still sticky like glue
And if you were a pill for popping,
you’d be blue;
because you bring me up,
and let me down used, not abused
I’d get a prescription for
60 MG of I don’t hate you,
and stay limp,
staring like a statue
But you can’t be any of those;
yours is from a needle not meant for tattoos,
and mine is sold in bars
from 11 am ‘til 2
And on street corners,
bought with I.O.U.’s;
writing poems;
being dealt a deuce;
you, me, and drug abuse

 

© 2012 Volatalistic Phil, White Wedding Lies, and Discontent: An American Love Story

Burnt Spoons

Burnt Spoons

She left a burnt spoon
with a milk stain stink,
on the kitchen’s counter
next to the sink

My face fell and hit
the poorly tiled floor,
when she locked herself
behind a brown bedroom door

Now, getting dolled up to
go looking for a score,
but hits me up for cash
because she said she’s poor

When did loving her
become a chore?
When did my love,
become a revolving door?

 

© Volatalistic Phil 2012, White Wedding Lies, and Discontent: An American Love Story

Some updates & some poems

Hello everyone, it’s been eons since I’ve written anything here. You all have Crystal of “Dreams Dissolve” to thank–she keeps writing stuff on her blog and it has somehow made me feel inadequate and now I’m posting something.

Quick updates and some poems for you beautiful people.

****UPDATES****

–I’ve been working two jobs now for a year and I don’t know how else not to hustle, but on the brighter side of things, I’m picking up another gig, so I’m thinking about growing a business, in seeing how I have a couple of contracts now.  I also went to an interview for a new job where I’ll be in a position to help people, and I’m fairly certain I have the job. I did my pee test and other stuff required and I think everything has gone well. It is a little unsettling because I’ve been used to getting shit on for so long that now that things are going my way, I don’t know what to expect or how to react–but I’m still hopeful.

–My Mind’s Abyss is back out and is called My Mind’s Abyss: Suicide Edition and it includes just a hair more than the original book did, but also includes photographs! Please get a copy, be it an e-book copy or a paperback, please, it would really help to recoup some of the costs of the promotions I’ve been running and all the copies I’ve been sending out, trying to get the buzz going. If you have a book blog and you review books, I’d be honored if you’d care to review my book and or do an interview, up to you though, I won’t beg and even running a promotion for the book has made me feel bad, like I’m “trying too hard” or something.

–Sequel to My Mind’s Abyss is finished and I’m putting the final editing touches on it. It is called My Mind’s Abyss: Aftermath and it deals with the world of post-addiction; the zombie feeling, feelings of hopelessness, the anger at yourself and the world, what a life without substance abuse looks like, entering into relationships, all mixed with fresh new stories and your fill of love, comedy, and pain! The new book has been written to pick up where book #1 left off, but has been written in such a way that it’s not necessary to read the first one (in case you’re not a fan of my Kamikazi, almost bop-prosody, stream of consciousness, experimental fiction writing. The new book is set in a different tone and is much less chaotic and I feel that it flows “better” and is “prettier” writing). Book #2 weighs 115,000  words (twice the size of book #1) and is 440 pages in print. I’m thinking about releasing it in December–will keep you posted.

–Almost finished with another novel The Transient that deals with my homeless experience and it’s set in Albuquerque, NM (yeah, where Breaking Bad was). No release date conceivable yet. I’ve finished up with a second unreleased poetry book White Wedding Lies, and Discontent: An American Love Story and it has a very special foreword from Raegan Butcher! No release date yet, but am hoping for March, but I first have to release Jet Lag, which I’m hoping to release in November.

Thank you for bearing with me through all the updates, and now some poems. Much Love ❤ -Phil

****POEMS****

Doctor Office

Time for a physical;
new job requires it
I wait in a pasty white
room while a fluorescent
light above me hums
like a nest full of
pissed off hornets

Nothing to do but
stare blankly at
the walls and put
on the parachute
shorts a nurse
gave me

Doctor enters & listens
to my breathing—
that’s the extent
of my physical

She tells me “only
eat raw vegetables
and fruit, but no
more than three
servings the size
of a tennis ball,
a day”
& says what else I
shouldn’t do or eat

By some far cry
of the imagination
I should weigh 140lbs
“according to the book”
& I wonder what the
hell else that book
has to say, about life,
about anything

Beware of the
people who can’t
tell you how to
live, but know
exactly how not
to live

 

Screaming in Space

My brother got out
of jail to serve
another sentence
with an abusive
and psychotic
girlfriend, who
started off
sweet and loving

And in January
his ankle bracelet
comes off
and he’ll be
moving back
here, back home
to the Zia

But for now,
his world
is a
lonely
black
hole—
one giant
mass of consumption,
of depression,
of hopelessness
and feelings
of uselessness,
as he screams
into space,
not
making
a sound