3 years sober & update

Okay…so I know it’s been forever since I’ve posted a blog. I know, shame on me right? Oi. Friends, life doesn’t stop. Everything keeps moving and lately I’m feeling so low. I’m feeling so small and shit going on lately, a relationship ending, bullshit with cops…I just it’s been a journey these past few months.

I left because they valued this shit more than me and their own life

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On the 11th of May, like every Mother’s Day, I was sober again. This time friends, it’s been three years. Does it feel different? Yeah, I guess. I still miss my vices at times, but I know that it’s nonsense and is a way to die and not live. I just choose not to be that person anymore. It gets lonely, like now, I feel so alone and lonely. I have friends and what not, but sometimes I think about the substances and how they were comforting, but I know I’m just telling myself lies. It’s like when you get out of a toxic relationship (which I’ve recently just done) you make up excuses for the relationship and you glamorize it and you highlight all the good parts. The bottom line: —————->>> Clean & sober is the only way to be.

Enough of the sad shit, right?

I just bought a new motorcycle–a 2007 Honda Shadow VT1100. She’s so pretty and is sooo much fun to ride. By the grace of God I was able to pull it off and my payments are pretty low, which is great for a starving artist like myself. (I just picked up a second job as a waiter, aside from getting tips, the best part is–they feed you!)

I went shopping!

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Meet the twins!

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Road trip to see mom!

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Made it!

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Does my balaclava make me look creepy or like a ninja or both?

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I had this for lunch today!

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Oh, & i’ve got a new fucking book out if anyone’s interested!

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White Wedding Lies, and Discontent: An American Love Story on Amazon.

Phil Volatile

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The Drug of You

The Drug of You

If poetry had a taste,
it’d taste like you;
sweet and sour,
but still sticky like glue
And if you were a pill for popping,
you’d be blue;
because you bring me up,
and let me down used, not abused
I’d get a prescription for
60 MG of I don’t hate you,
and stay limp,
staring like a statue
But you can’t be any of those;
yours is from a needle not meant for tattoos,
and mine is sold in bars
from 11 am ‘til 2
And on street corners,
bought with I.O.U.’s;
writing poems;
being dealt a deuce;
you, me, and drug abuse

 

© 2012 Volatalistic Phil, White Wedding Lies, and Discontent: An American Love Story

Two years clean and sober

In a few days (on May 12th) it’ll be 2 years ago that I sat here with a gun to my head, making a choice, and spent the next year and a half thinking I pulled the trigger. Soon, I’ll be two years clean and sober, but it’s not enough. It’s not enough to just quit abusing drugs and alcohol, but I learned that it’s a start, a strong start. I don’t know that the disease, the infection, the defect, or whatever the hell you want to call it–I don’t know that it ever goes away, because it’s there. I feel it at times, a craving will come over me, a blip on my mind’s radar of what once was, and could easily be again. But I know, from experience, there isn’t a way to maintain what was, that I’ll pick up where I left off, and it’s possible that I won’t return. I wish, very much at times, that I could just make it go away, that I could take back all of the things that have gone on as a result of my substance abuse, but I can’t take it back. On one hand, I try to look at it as a blessing and not a scarlet letter, but it’s hard not to look down on it. I feel a deep regret about my life at times, and at others, I’m happy to have ridden the roller coaster and gotten the hell off. But at what price, I sometimes wonder. When does this eventually wear off? Is there anything to help make it better? I don’t have an answer for that, friends, but I can tell you what has worked for me.

  • Keeping busy
  • Exercise and better diet
  • Trying for meaningful friendships / relationships
  • Constantly forgiving myself and others
  • Being there for someone in their time of need
  • Writing
  • Education

I doubt there will ever be a clear and concise method for much of anything, but anything positive is better than anything negative. I’m not trying to sell it to you like a Charles Ponzi scheme, just trying to let you know where I’m coming from. Because, all the bullshit aside, I am better as a substance-free person than I am as a polluted one.

I recently just exited a relationship, and I’m convinced that I did more for this person than I’ve done for anyone in my life before. I truly love this person and care deeply for her, but it wasn’t right, not yet. Things were rushed, things went bad, things just are what they are. But I was able to feel on different levels than what I had felt before, and I’m grateful for that person having come along to help me to feel again. I’m moving in the right direction–by the grace of God, and by the grace of good people. In May of 2012, I weighed 253 pounds. As of May 2013, I weigh 195 pounds. In May of 2012 I was a size 44″ waist, and as of today, May 8th, 2013, I am a size 34″ waist. I was able to go to school this semester, work two jobs, and help take care of a sick girlfriend, endure a break-up and keep going. I got two As and two Bs this semester, and a raise. But while in the storm, I didn’t know what I was capable of, and I won’t lie, it was hard and it was stressful. But, looking back on it now, I know that I can do it, and I’m better for it. Two years ago I would’ve been buried in a bottle like there was a genie at the bottom, but that was the old me, not the new me. Change happens–acknowledge that, leave out the “it takes time” bullshit (not bullshit) part of it. Change happens.

Don’t wait to live your life because if you do not live life, then life will live you. I want better for you, all of you. Living your life does not need to be a reckless endeavor. There are other ways than the hard way to learn. Understand that so long as you are a human being on this planet then you are not alone and not independent. We need each other, and if you need help, then reach out. Do not fall victim to the hype that you’re alone. You are never alone. There are good people who can and will help you. It starts with you though, and it’s a process, not a switch. If you or anyone you know is suffering from substance abuse, please help to lend a hand. They are not lost causes. I was once a lost cause, but look at me now. I keep writing books. I keep trying to help others, I’ll have four degrees by the end of summer, with my eyes set on more. There is always hope. The life you help save today, could be the one that saves yours or a loved one’s tomorrow. No one is worth saving if even one person is worth dying. We all have issues. We all are damaged, but we all are people, and I believe we are here to learn how to love. Love is. Be love and you will be have love.

When life happens, we happen. We push back. We do not give up. We will not roll over and die. We are strong. We are united. We are love. We are loved.

Much Love,

Volatalistic Phil

A new year

Today makes the 8th month of me being clean and sober. I have started a brand new year, clean and sober. Though I have come a long way so far, such as publishing a few publications, quitting substance abuse, alcohol, cigarettes, and continuing my education–I know there is still more work to be done. I understand that it is a process, but I can’t even begin to express the difference quitting substance and alcohol abuse has had on me. I can’t explain how it has affected me, the actual me, the real me that was hidden underneath everything that way of dying, not life, entailed. Though I have written a novel that probably poorly explains the possibilities and the experiences of what an alcoholic/addict might go through, I know it doesn’t even begin to touch the tip of the iceberg. There are many authors that have done an excellent job in giving people a glimpse into the lives of addiction.  The truth is, it is all around us and even in some of the people that we love. It is a near invisible enemy that you would never suspect. Some of the people you would have never thought were addicts, quite possibly, could be. I’m not saying this to imply that certain people are addicts, I’m only trying to draw some small awareness to it. These people are still people, but while suffering from substance abuse, are a shadow of their former selves.

So to the recovering addicts and alcoholics I want you to know that I am proud of you. And to the persons still suffering from addiction, I want you to know that I love you. I want you to know that you are worthy of love. You do not have to punish yourselves any longer. You have all the strength you ever needed, you have all of the willpower you could ever hope to gain, you have all the “stuff needed” to quit your addiction(s). You do not have to be a slave to your addictions. Change can be scary and even hard, but change is not always bad. I know exactly what it is that you’re going through, because I have been there. We are all united, you and I, addicts and recovering addicts, we have shared the same pains, we have shared the same experiences. We are all brothers and sisters united through our lives of addiction. I know the pains of withdrawals. I know the pains of riding the monster. Look at me, and look to others in your life that you know have overcome and beat the demon–it is possible. You are just as capable as anyone else. Never quit, quitting. You have the power to quit, and you will, when you truly want to. You do not have to be alone in your recovery. There is help, and there is nothing wrong with asking for or needing help. You will find that being ‘interdependent’ is a lot more fun than being in ‘codependency’ or being ‘dependent.’ Be the best version of you that you can be and everything else will follow.

Much Love,

Volatalistic Phil

My Mind’s Abyss FREE on 12/18/2011! (Tomorrow)

My Mind's Abyss

Hello everyone! I just wanted to happily announce that my book, My Mind’s Abyss, (ebook) will be free tomorrow on Amazon.com I ask that should you decide to grace me with the opportunity to entertain you, that if you could find it in you to please leave a review for the book. The review will help in letting people know what you thought about my book (good or bad, but hopefully good!) and help to attract more people to share the book with.

My Mind’s Abyss(Transgressional Fiction) Have you ever wondered what the life of an addict was like? Take a journey with one troubled person into the unknown. Experience the many ups and downs of life while on a path towards enlightenment. Could there be more to life than just sex, drugs, crime and parties? Dive into the abyss with the life of an alcoholic and enjoy a non-stop, humorous, thrill ride that will stun you. Take a look through the eyes of a troubled person that decided to face reality and get sober. Contained is a raw story with some sometimes harsh opinions and views.

So to recap, tomorrow on 12/18/2011, My Mind’s Abyss will be a FREE Amazon Kindle ebook. Be sure and tell your friends, please! Thank you for your time and the opportunity to entertain you. Get your copy for free at Amazon Tomorrow!

Much Love,
Volatalistic Phil